As far as the guests should be concerned, both bride and groom were hatched from an egg seconds before the ceremony and have never so much as touched another human intimately.

speech dating-24speech dating-65speech dating-61

You don’t have to be funny all the time, either – it’s not an open-mic night. If in doubt, immediately disregard the most salacious and the most sensible and go for something in between.

Remember this isn’t about you and your life – one of the worst speeches I ever witnessed was the bride’s father guiding us through an overlong autobiography in which his daughter was a mere appendix.

Reminders of criminal activity are verboten unless it's from childhood, petty and victimless.

Anything that happened on the stag weekend is not for here.

Avoid mentioning at all, especially if they’re still friends and actually at the wedding.

Plus it’s not the Seventies, so swerve sexism and using language like bunny boilers, psychoes and slappers to describe women who passed on the chance to be in the white dress today: you’ll lose the crowd immediately.

Nobody cares how big his penis is except his wife and she very likely already knows.

Also, this is probably not the time to talk about when you both went through the wrong door in a club in Berlin and only found your way out three weeks later.

This only works if you’re both gay, and even then it doesn’t actually work because the other groom will spend the rest of his big day wondering if you’ve actually done it and/or worrying you will tell everyone that in fact he’s the one who’s done it with you.